Helping Parents Release their Young Adult (YA)
Helping Parents Release their Young Adult (YA)
Yvonne Godfrey 2010
www.miomo.co.nz
Just imagine the day your YA packs her back and leaves home for good. Not that false alarm stuff where she leaves for six months, gets into horrible debt then comes back home for you to nurse her wounds until she can handle that big and nasty world again.
In my article, Shaping Teens into Independent Young Adults I discuss 7 areas in which teens need to be proficient to truly fly in the adult world.
Unfortunately, many parents are ‘a soft touch’ – they can’t seem to let their YA fend for themselves and make it on their own. In this article, I share some common stumbling blocks for parents in letting their YA leave home and stay left!
The goal of adulthood (or transitioning there) is for the YA to become independent whilst maintaining a healthy and loving the relationship with his/her parents.
When YA’s feel the need to become more independent, they may consciously or subconsciously create friction in order to become a separate identity from their parents. This process of separation begins as a very small child and continues until adulthood. During this time we discover who we are as an individual while maintaining our need to be socially tethered to others. The ‘we’ as in the family relationship gives way to a need for ‘I’, to establish a separate identity. For the YA, this is the first step in preparing to find a mate and begin his or her ‘own’ family.
Parents who clip their YA wings
Instead of recognizing that this is a healthy state just needing a plan of action, many parents are threatened as the YA stretches his wings. They may try to smooth the waters and make things irresistible at home so the YA wont leave; such as not charging board or offering to convert the downstairs into ‘your own lovely little flat’. While sometimes the flat idea works quite well (the no board routine never does), the parents have overlooked the YA’s need to create his own space. Your home is still your home and with that comes a myriad of unspoken expectations. Your YA simply wants to call the shots and come and go as he pleases.
Please Mum & Dad – Let me go!
Like Pharaoh who wouldn’t let the Israelites leave Egypt, some parents make it very difficult for Johnie to leave home. And so Johnie, just like in the story of Exodus, ends up bringing plagues on the family until eventually Mum and Dad cant wait to get rid of him. Sadly, this tearing away causes a loss of relationship and it needn’t be that way. It’s much better to release Johnie. Even if he doesn’t leave right away – help him develop a plan of action and make it an event to look forward to with your blessing. Do the maths and let him work out if he can afford to move out. And let’s face it, just to be independent your YA is prepared to live in a flat you wouldn’t keep a dog in.
Why can’t some parents let go?
Mums are the primary nurturer and women feel hardest hit when their baby wants to fly the coop. Following are some reasons specific to Mums followed by parents in general.
• Her identity is wrapped up in caring for her children Just as many men are validated by their job, as the key nurturers of their children women can equate their personal value with their mothering.• Mum cant bear for her child to suffer pain Mum sees the fall coming and she intervenes in the growth process by catching all the stray balls in life that might hit her children. Unfortunately, Mum creates a weak YA who eventually blames her for creating the co-dependency they both love to hate. Perhaps she suffered badly as a child and she doesn’t want the same for her child. Whilst admirable and understandable, this thinking still doesn’t work!
• Mum’s marriage / relationship is unfulfilling A woman may substitute her children for an unfulfilling relationship. If the child leaves, who will she talk to while preparing dinner? Who will she show her new outfit to?
• Parents don’t recognise their own transition time If parents lives are centered around their children, they become background to their YA and they fail to recognise that it’s time to set new goals of their own. Parents should not live vicariously through their children (or grandchildren – that one’s for me!)
• Parents don’t trust their YA’S ability to go flatting. This could be a well-founded fear. If you have not equipped your YA to be self sufficient, someone else will need to. I recommend he board with one of your tough friends for six months. Your friendship will probably die but at least your YA is then equipped to go flatting.
• Mum & Dad have made life too good When there is no shortage of money, Johnie becomes a bonsai in his journey to becoming independent. Life goes on, Johnie is living like a king and sees absolutely no need to leave home. Mum is still ironing his shirts and making yummy meals. He can still borrow her car so long as he keeps up the flattery and everyone is happy. Except when Johnie gets married, now he has two women who love and depend on him and it gets hard to choose.
Let’s face it – it is inevitable that your kids will leave home sometime. Release them – don’t cause them to tear away. You made mistakes and so will they. Support them but don’t spoon-feed them and you will be proud of how your YA manages without you!
Final comment: Do it right the first time – so once they have left they wont come back! I feel another article coming on this subject.
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