Miomo – Making it on my Own

Living with Your Adult Child – Making it Work in Kiwi Culture

Yvonne Godfrey2010 All Rights Reserved www.miomo.co.nz

I’ll bet you never thought in your wildest bad dream that you would still have your 30 year old living at home! Did she leave home vowing to never come back but did anyway – or did she just never leave? Did she get involved with the wrong bloke; have his child and then return with grandchild in tow? Did he get into debt, lose his job and had nowhere to turn?

Then there is the university student who will be at home for the next four or more years.

I can show you families living all of these scenarios. In many cultures, generations of families living in the same home are commonplace. It works really well! But does it work in New Zealand where people live more independent lives?

For some it does but for others it becomes a nightmare of failed compromises and resentments on both sides. In our family, we have shared with our adult children with mixed success. Where we were clear on the boundaries, it worked and where we drifted into a situation with fuzzy expectations, it didn’t. Start with the end in mind. If it is a temporary arrangement – establish the time frame to allow the young adult to plan their future properly.

Let’s look at some principles to make it work well!

What has to change from the old regime?

The relationship gains an additional dimension now that you are flat-mates as well as parent and child. However, from a practical living standpoint the flatmate relationship now becomes number one. You are also both adults so the child part of the equation is now a bit of a mute point and you become respectful friends.

What are you doing for him that a flatmate wouldn’t?

The relationship needs to change from Mum, Dad and little Billy to Mum Dad and Bill as flatmates. What are you doing for Bill that a flatmate wouldn’t? Many mothers find it difficult to change their thinking. A woman may feel that she is not a good mother if she insists on Bill doing his ironing and cooking a meal. On Miomo (my programme to equip young people for adult life), I challenge the mothers of my students to stop changing the sheets on their boys’ beds and performing other servant behaviour (it doesn’t usually happen for their daughters).

Paying board or rent – how much?

Adult children who do not pay their way create problems on all fronts. No contribution means no responsibility and definitely no ownership or respect. Determine the board payable on how much the young person earns. Current market full board in Auckland is around $160 – $200 and flatting costs around $250 per week. Most parents want to cut their YA some slack, but there is a fine line between blessing your YA and hindering his development. Fair could be 20% of their take home pay but not less than $50 or more than $200. Work it out. If he is a pleasure to live with, is helpful, and is studying or working his tail off – then your system is working.

Beware of the trap of asking for money on payday – always set up an automatic payment.

Young Adults (YA) who are living at home to study should at least earn enough to take care of personal expenses over and above the basic food that you may be providing. School leavers who are not studying must make getting a job a priority. Put a time limit on how long you are willing to

let them live at home for free, say three months. Without a definite time limit – there is no sense of urgency to get a job. Initially, it can be any job, just so they are earning and contributing.

Whose house is it?

“This is my house and you will respect my wishes!’ doesn’t create the happiest atmosphere. The key to sharing with your adult children is to establish boundaries and to respect territories. If you are not happy to share – then refuse, but don’t be a martyr making continual snide comments about your sacrifice.

Respecting Territories and Establishing Boundaries

My mother (80) has lived on her own or with flat mates since she was 40. Now, because of her ill health, my sister Katie (53) has recently moved in with her. Initially Katie wondered if it would work but it does! They are having a great time and enjoying one another’s company. My mother has very clear rules around spaces. Bedrooms are off limits. They never go into each other’s room without invitation.

Before agreeing to an adult child moving back in, a standard of hygiene, cleanliness and tidiness should be agreed on by all parties. You don’t have to be visually assaulted every time you walk past your YA’s room, but neither should you be tempted to go in and clean it.

Sharing the workload

Divide up the jobs and allocate them to everyone! Just like in a flat, it doesn’t work to let people clean the house when they get the urge. Hardly anyone ever does except the one person who can’t stand a filthy house. The adult child should share the cost of a housekeeper/cleaner if they are on a full income. Otherwise revert to your system of pro-rata for the part time earner.

We converted the barn on our 5-acre property into a house for our daughter, her husband and our grandson. They are paying rent 25% under market value because they help maintain the whole property. This works for both of us. We have created an asset on our property with a reliable tenant. They get the use of the whole property and generous rent, and we get to see our fabulous little grandson every day.

So, it can work and be loads of fun – the key to success is in having clear expectations!